Marriage

I love being married!

Death to self

OK... Don't ask me why, but this whole wedding thing has really got me on somekind wierd stuff. I have had a ton of different thoughts and feelings that I don't normally have. But the lord has used it to show me that I am selfish. I grew up an only child, so I am not used to sharing anything at all. I don't have a problem "sharing", but I have a issue when things don't go my way or how I feel they should go. My wonderful wife is so busy, and I mean busy. She runs like a chicken all day, goes to school, work, and still does all this planning, and then her retarded behind stays up till all hours of the morning, and wonders why she is tired. But she is busy. I hate sharing her with anyone, and right now I don't feel like I should have too. But she is a hurting person and I put my feeling ahead of hers way too many times, and make something that has nothing to do with me, about me. That is not true, immature, and in all reality, not cool. I want to be there for her in her times of need, instead of making an issue about me. AND the Funny thing is, if I help her through her time of need, then she learns she can depend on me, which makes us both happy. So instead of me being immature, I can give her what she needs, wants, and what she is longing for...someone to trust, lean on, and depend on. I want to be her all..so bad! SOOO BAD! I'm tired of her not trusting me, and keeping it in. We are 3 days from getting married, and I want to make sure that I am there for her in a way that tells here that I am there for her no matter what for the rest of her life, and that this is the best day ever for her. I know that I will see something that I won't like or she might snap at me, but only out of stress and frustration, but I need to put self aside and give this wonderful woman the best Day of HER ENTIRE LIFE! SO HELP ME GOD!

Workaholic....

Ok... I was riding home to my parents for one of the last times before I get married, and I was thinking about work. I was thinking about how busy I have been and how much I seem to be gone. My Dad instilled good work ethic in me and I will be eternally grateful for it. I plan to pass it on to my son. You work for everything you get. I guess I have been working alot, ok...alot...but its always for a good cause. Food, clothing, shelter, gas..etc. I take great pride in providing those things, and I take them very seriously. My wife calls me a workaholic. I cringe every time she say that, cause deep down inside it hurts. I am not a workaholic. I do work a fair amount, but at this point I don't see it any other way. I am the the hell who I am. I work. That is what I do. I seem to have a variety of reasons to work more, or less, and I guess it all depends on life at the present. I have to be honest. When I don't feel on top of the world, sometimes I will pick up a shift on the ambulance, or "FIND" things to do to keep myself busy. Hopefully I will be missed, or get some affermation saying that my hard work is appreciated. But, if neither of those work, I just get a little extra money-which is not to bad either. I mean look at the alternative. I could not be working....ya not at all. sit on the couch all day watching tv eating turkey sandwiches, and drinking beers. Or I could be the guy who can't hold a job at all. But I just seem to have a job that is TOO good and that pays TOO much, and is TOO time demanding. I know that there are people, be it men or women, that would kill to be in my spot. I don't get it. I don't like working to be honest. I just would work my 24 and fix on my house or call the other times. I guess I'm stuck in an unhealthy battle of my own emotions. Speaking of emotions...I do tend to work more to run from my emotions, then I don't have to deal with them. I guess I don't know how to get out. Like I have said in some other posts, I hope this all will end when I finish medic school. Honesty is the key to all things, and I have had to be honest. Honest with myself, and with my wife. Honesty sucks when It come to admitting that someone juuuust..might be right.

Just hurry up...

I feel MIA... I just want this to be over with. I want my life back. I want to not be stressed, and I want my wife to have her life back. lets just get it over with, so we can start the rest of our lives together already. I want to sleep next to her warm body, and feel her soft, tight behind, I want to make love with no guilt. I want to never have to drive home alone, sad, mad, or horny. I hate this. I want to be able to share everything with her. We seem to both be missing in action. She is so irritable because of the stress she is under, that my love cup is empty, and I know she has nothing to fill it with. I am empty, and I'm sure her love cup is empty too, but I have nothing to fill it with either. I just want my wife back, and I want my energy back. GOD I'M SO FRUSTRATED!

whatever...

it has really been a while since I have written anything. I have not had the time, or the energy. things are really good right now, even though I'm exhausted. people seem to think that I run 24/7, but I don't. I can't. Its not humanly possible. I can't get 5 hours or less sleep a night, work, and go to school, and still function 100%. I just can't. today, I'm really done. I am waiting for 1800 like a fat kid waits for the buffet. then, I can't wait for sunday night. I will finally get a break for two whole weeks. I'm depressed. yes I'm getting married, yes I have a career, and yes I have a beautiful daughter, but I'm still depressed. I don't think I will make it though paramedic school. I'm not ready to finish, yet every bone in my body screams for rest. I don't even know what it feel like to be rested. what is rest? right now, rest means not running a call for two hours. but to wake up and not be tired? that does not exist in my world. my world is made up of giving. giving to my patients, career, and then going home and having to be a support for my family, and giving some more. in the mix up of all this crap, there is nothing left to give myself. Maybe all this will change once I finish school. just today....I feel depressed.